It has been just one day that I've been on my own with Gram, and now, at the end of this first day, I have to swallow the bitter pill of defeat. I cannot do what Shari has been doing all these years. Even with several years of training under my belt, I cannot do the most important task: I cannot lift Gram. I have pulled the muscles in my back, my arms refuse to work, and my knees have almost failed me twice - both times, nearly causing me to drop my precious cargo. I feel like a complete and utter failure, and I have no idea how to tell Shari.
Shari came through her surgery just fine. But the doctor wasn't able to remove all of the tumor; she has to have at least one more surgery; the tumor is big enough that they have to use a different kind of anesthetic to keep her under for a longer period of time. She doesn't know about having to have more surgery, yet. She also doesn't know that her doctor is 99% certain the tumor is malignant. He's waiting for the test results to confirm (or deny) what he suspects, but when he first booked her after seeing the results of the MRI last month, he told her then that he was pretty certain it was cancerous. Finding out about the surgery is going to be hard enough on her; finding out that her best friend, who was supposed to be there to take care of Gram so that she could have the surgery without worrying, can't live up to her promise is going to devastate her. She'll never trust me again, and that devastates me.
I wanted so much to be able to help Shari, who has never abandoned me no matter what happened, and no matter how many years passed where we were out of touch. Shari, who has always supported and encouraged me no matter what crazy schemes I planned or acted on. Shari, who has a heart of gold and one of the most beautiful, caring spirits I've ever seen. Shari, who never asked for anything from anyone, but has always reached out to be there for everyone else...
I'm sitting here typing this, and all I can do is cry - not tears of self-pity, but tears of remorse, regret, and loss. Because, it may very well be that if I can't get the help I need while I'm here, Shari may find herself struggling not only with post-surgical pain, but also, with the pain of finding out that Gram has been moved into a "home." Gram would hate that so much, and Shari would hate it even more - and she will never forgive me...
It's only been one day that I've been on my own with Gram, and already, I have failed. Already, I have let my sister-friend down...
too busy to update my blogs. I'll be back in due time. A peaceful day to you! 
Mike and I are a long way down the path BUT each true message of comfort helps a million times over - and how many people can say that? Our current truths are also our blessings...
Thanks for keeping me straight - looking forward 2 your next blogstar broadcast
(All hail The Holly!)
Joy, I've commented on your journal. 
Robilaine, I dropped by your page, too. 
Just take it easy, okay? 
It was an awesome piece - man, are you talented! 
(from a country really sucked into America's 'battles') 
I don't have any words to help you deal with this, but I know that you're doing your best and that is all that can be asked of anyone. If it's okay, I offer you a cyber-hug. 
I feel for you, Holly. I wish I could give you a hug. I know what it's like to know about a loved one's health condition. I trained in a Histopath Lab before and worked with Biopsies/Pap Smears and there sure had been times when I wished I had the power to erase the word TUMOR from the dictionary and from the face of the earth so no one would ever suffer from it again. I watched several of my loved ones suffer from something similar and it wasn't easy. So, I know how you feel. I will keep you, Shari, and Gram in my prayers. May you find strength in the people who visit here each day; the very same people you've touched and are now expressing support to you. All because we do care, Holly. Be strong and take care always. 
Oh, my friend...I feel your pain and anguish but you have to know that one day does not make you a failure. You're the first person to drop by somebody's blog to offer condolence, support and encouragement...hey, you've done it countless times for me and if I haven't made it clear, I am very grateful to you, for sharing that part of you. This is a new challenge and you desperately want to help your friend. Any chance that the VON can supply a volunteer to help you out? Or maybe a student? Or a church that's close by? There are few things more distressing than wanting to help and then find our bodies refuse to cooperate. I understand how unsettled you must feel, even comtemplating putting Gram in a home. And Shari will be healing for a number of weeks after returning...the essential part is ensuring that Gram is someplace where she will get the attention she needs - this is the priority and if you can't supply that, you've really got to examine other avenues. I don't mean to sound like a prick, you've known me long enough to undestand that. Let go of the guilt, talk to your friend at the earliest point you can. Direct your energies towards a solution and a home for Gram, even temporarily, is not the end of the world. I know your friend will understand. Sending you lots of hugs, my dear friend...
Holly, such heart rending times for you right now. YOU HAVEN'T LET ANYONE DOWN. I have PROFESSIONAL, trained carers in my home 5 days a week and I can tell you they are NOT ALLOWED to lift and do what you're you're trying to do. They HAVE to use a mechanical lift and 2! of them have to be there to operate it.We can only do what our bodies will let us do. 
Just checking up on you. 
Don't you beat yourself up ok? you are doing the best you can and I know you can many other ways. Sorry I haven't been on here much lately..I think I fixed my comment problem come and try ok? 
oops... that anonymous up there was me. not sure how that happened... heh. 
Hi Holly - I'm soooooo sorry to find out that you are going through a tough time. Sorry I hadn't been out here sooner to offer my support. But I'm here and I wanted to send you some *BIG HUGS* in your time of need. You've always been there for me and I appreciate you and thank you! Also, it's great to find out that you won JOTW!! You totally deserve it! Love you sweetie! 
Its been awhile...hope your doing ok!!! 
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