Morning, all. 

It feels really strange to me to be getting up so late (considering how early I was getting up while I was at Shari's, this feels really late to me).  It feels strange to me that instead of getting dressed, getting laundry on the go, and getting things ready for Gram, I'm sitting in my rocking chair in front of my computer, nursing a hot cup of freshly-brewed coffee, having a smoke, and writing this post.  My body is happy for the rest, of course, but it sure feels strange to me to be sitting and doing nothing after two weeks of constant and intense activity.  I dreamed about Gram last night - at one point, I thought I heard her coughing, and I got up to get her some water.  It took me a couple of minutes to get myself oriented and realize that I was home, and not there...

You know, I always had respect for what Shari has been doing for the past eight years, but these past couple of weeks have really brought it home to me just how hard she's worked - and how she's worked alone, and without asking for help.  She had someone coming in twice a week for respite, so she could get a couple of hours to herself, but that was it.  Gram has virtually no mobility - she can raise grapes to her mouth if she's helped, but that's it - and while she's not a heavy woman, she's still a dead weight, and moving her takes all the muscle power one can summon.  Shari has been doing this all by herself for seven of the past eight years.  Sure, her body has adjusted to Gram's loss of mobility, but still...

Shari has her own challenges to deal with, now, though.  She has bladder cancer, and from what the doctor has said, it's likely that she's going to lose her bladder when she has the second surgery on Thursday.  They were able to remove the tumor (it had grown another inch, bringing the diameter to 9" by the time they got it out), but there are malignant lesions that have to be removed. She's trying very hard to stay positive and optimistic, of course, but it's very difficult for her.  She's feeling angry at her body and at the universe, and she keeps asking what she did to deserve what's happening.  All I can tell her is that she hasn't done anything to deserve this, that this isn't some kind of punishment, and that taking her anger out on her body is not only pointless, but it's unfair to her body, which has worked damned hard for her these past eight years with no thanks or any kind of acknowledgment from her.

Honestly, I just don't know what else to say. I don't have any experience to fall back on to help me truly relate to how Shari feels or what she's going through, and neither does anyone in her family. We're all powerless, and that's a very hard thing to take.  She's never asked us for anything, and now that she really needs us, we're all stymied as to what we can do to help her.  All we can do is keep showing her that we'll get through this together, no matter where this journey takes us.  It doesn't feel like that's enough, though...

The good news is that the cancer hasn't spread - the doctor was concerned about that - so once she has this second surgery, Shari should be in the clear. We're hoping she won't have to have follow-up radiation or chemo treatments; we'll know more about that after the surgery, though.  The family is keeping me in the loop as best they can, so as soon as I know, you'll know.  Also, Shari won't have to worry about trying to deal with Gram's needs, as Gram is on the "urgent" list for a wonderful rest home in which her sister currently lives. Gram will be really happy to see her sister again, I know...

Sorry for the long post, but there's a lot to talk about.  Thanks to everyone who's been dropping by; I'll do my best to get over to your blogs at some point today, even if it's just to say hi.  Have a great day, everyone.