Everything is falling apart. Roger got paid today, and I paid bills without thinking about the stuff that's coming out on the first, and now - again - we will be forced to live on credit because I can't work. To top it all off, the stupid rod in the bedroom closet broke on Roger's side, and he put all his clothes in his Sanctuary room - and I took my clothes out to make room for his, and ended up with no room for me. It seems like there's never any room for me, no matter how much space there is. And now, Roger is talking about trying to find a second job just to keep a roof over our heads.

I can't do this anymore. I can't take it. I'm strong, but I'm not that strong. Not strong enough to deal with my own uselessness. Not strong enough to have to keep swallowing the bitter pill that I am completely useless in this marriage. If I left, all the bills would be reduced dramatically. Electricity wouldn't be so high, because I wouldn't be here to have the lights or the computer on.  Water expenses wouldn't be so high, because I wouldn't be here to use the water for showers or baths or extra laundry.  The grocery bill wouldn't be so high because I wouldn't be here to eat the food he buys. NOTHING would be so high - and Roger wouldn't have to talk about trying to find a second job.

My clothes are sitting on the coffee table in the living room, right now. I have nowhere to put them. Most of them are things I didn't pick out for myself and don't wear, anyway, but that's not the point. The point is that there is no room here for me.  There's not even any room for me in the basement, because all of Roger's stuff is down there, all over the place, and I'm not allowed to get rid of any of it.

I don't know what to do, anymore. I'm stressed, but I don't tell Roger, because he's way more stressed out than me. Because he's the one working his ass off all day every day because I can't work. I'm just useless... I'm just a burden to him.

I don't know what's going to happen from here. I haven't decided. The only thing I know for sure is that something has to be done.

6:16pm EDIT:  You know what the worst part is about all this? It's the fact that I can sell off my camera, my printer, my scanner, some of my jewelry, even my computer, and all it will do is keep the hyenas at bay for a month. One month. That's it. Just one month. Then, it will start all over again. That's the worst part.

Whatever. Something has to give for the better, and that's all there is to it.

So much to do today to get ready for tomorrow night's investigation in my house, and not a whole lot of energy with which to get it all done. But that's okay; it might take all day and part of tomorrow, but everything WILL get done. I'm in the right state of mind for kicking some ghost ass, and there's going to be several people here to help me do it... The results should be interesting, to say the least. If I don't put them up at the WPI blog, I'll definitely be sharing them at the WPI YouTube channel...

I called Shawn, yesterday, after reading his blog. Hugo A-Go-Go, his sweetie, spent most of the day in the hospital, yesterday, having a liver biopsy done. Hugo is such a sweet guy; he's so outgoing and friendly, and he adores Shawn so much... Hugo, darling, I'm sending you tons of healing energies... 

I also stopped by to visit Dee, and I have to say, I love the anecdotes she shares about her life.  She's also done a few book reviews, and I for one hope she decides to look into making money doing that. She's really good!    But then, Dee has always been one of my favorite bloggers, so it's not really all that surprising to me that she'd be an excellent book reviewer, too. 

I don't know what's going on with everyone else, though. It seems like people just aren't interested in sharing, anymore, and that makes me sad. It's also very discouraging, because isn't the whole point of having an online blog to make yourself visible to others and to share your life with people? If no one seems to be interested in you, what's the point of trying to reach out?  Personally, I think that one of the reasons people end up going into isolation is because they feel like no one is interested in their thoughts, feelings, or opinions. Some people can handle that, but what about the people who struggle with depression? What happens to them when they feel that way?

I blog because it's a way to connect with the outside world, it's a way for me to release stress, it's a way to engage people in conversation, and because when people come by and comment, I feel like I'm visible. Most of the time, I feel like I don't matter, and when people respond to what I write, that helps me push that feeling back.

Annnnnnnnyway.....

I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday to find out for sure if I've entered menopause.  From the research I've done, I'm pretty sure I have, which means I'll probably be blogging more often. For now, I'm going to end this post, as the hot flash I'm having right now is making me insane.

Have a great day and a great weekend, and thanks to everyone who's been coming by to visit.