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Saturday, August 30th 2014

9:08 AM

Weekend Vision

  • Feeling: quiet
  • Current Weather: Mostly cloudy. 12C. Forecast: Mainly sunny. Increasing cloud this afternoon. 30% chance of showers with risk of a thundershower late this afternoon. High 18C

The house is eerily quiet. The animals are sleeping, and I think Roger went back to bed, too.  The girls are spending the long weekend with family; Karis and Paul are out camping in the middle of nowhere for the long weekend.  It's just me, Roger, Charlie, Glimmer, and Diesel for the next few days.  And the house is eerily quiet...

I drove Karis and Paul out to where they are, and it really is the middle of nowhere. There are no services anywhere for about 50km in any direction, and there's no cell-phone reception, either. They are at a music event where the only technology is the music equipment, which is being run by generators. Aside from that, they have no access to modern technology of any kind. They're going to have to "rough it". So, if something goes wrong - like the weather - they're actually going to have to deal with it. They won't be able to avoid it... and they won't be able to call me to come and get them, either.

I think it's going to be a very interesting experiment. Those kinds of situations often bring out the worst and the best in people. One learns very quickly just exactly what they're made of. Situations like that force a person to face and deal with whatever fears they have so they can change themselves and create a much better sense of inner harmony and peace in their lives. Native Indians might call it a small "vision quest", and in a sense, I guess it is. Where Karis and Paul are certainly qualifies as "true wilderness" - right down to the presence of bears...

An interesting thing happened to me while I was helping them set up the tent. In my eyes, it kind of proved my point about being in harmony. Paul and I had just gotten the first tent pole in and we were getting ready to stand up the one side of the tent so we could get around and put in the second pole. Just as I stood up, Karis jumped and gave a little squeal, startling me. I asked her what was wrong, and she pointed down to the bottom of the tent, where a big female harvest spider (a.k.a. "daddy long-legs") was sitting.

Being afraid of spiders myself, I was very surprised to feel myself become totally calm, and then, to bend over and try to encourage the spider to walk onto my hand so that I could remove her without harming her. She wasn't willing to do that, but when Paul cupped his hands on either side of her, she walked right onto his palm. He took her to safety, and interestingly, we didn't have any more spiders showing up after that.

Thinking about it after I was back on the road and heading for home, I realized that the happiness I'd felt in that moment was due to having felt a tremendous relief at not having been afraid. It's shocking to realize that fear has actual weight. It must, because the absence of it made me feel positively lightheaded; I felt like I'd suddenly lost fifty pounds. I was truly astounded at how much lighter I felt without that fear. I hope I can maintain that, now - but more importantly, I hope Karis will open herself to nature and allow nature to help her, too.
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Thursday, August 28th 2014

8:13 AM

Distant Smiles

  • Feeling: observant
  • Current Weather: Mostly cloudy. 12C. Forecast: Showers beginning this morning. Cloudy throughout the day. High 16C

The house is quiet.  The girls have gone to school, and I'm enjoying the unexpected but welcome calm and peace flowing through my house. I can hear the wrens and sparrows chattering away to each other about who knows what. I am grateful for this moment.

Roger is off work for this week due to severe dizziness. Yesterday was a day spent seeing doctors about it, running errands, and interviewing potential team candidates. I am still not feeling 100% myself, but Roger can't drive, so I drank coffee and water until they were coming out of my ears. I was very grateful to finally crawl into my bed last night...

I've been thinking about how life has been for the past couple of weeks. It's astonishing how many people seem to be really combative, lately. Even the slightest blink seems to be like stepping on a live mine; the explosions of anger coming from people, lately, are that sudden and that intense. It's weird.

Yesterday, while I was checking in on Facebook, I noticed there were some instances in which some people had left comments on something, and my replies to them were rather abrupt. Normally, when I respond to people, I try to include at least a smiley emoticon, so no one misunderstands me. Misunderstandings are very easy to create when you don't have facial expressions or tones of voice to help you gauge whether or not someone is being rude, sarcastic, genuine, or whatever. Yesterday, I noticed that in some replies, all I offered was words.

Guilt arose in me at the discovery... and just as quickly as it arose, it was put down. I had no reason to feel guilty; I hadn't been rude or anything. Besides, the world wasn't going to come to an end just because I didn't add an emoticon. Geez.

In light of some of the things that have happened over the past week, I do find myself wondering if the way I'm responding is some kind of defense mechanism. I know that I do tend to be distant and seemingly unemotional with the people around me when I am hurting emotionally and I'm trying to deal with that hurt. Maybe that tendency has somehow evolved to include my online time. Maybe not using emoticons when I'm talking online with people is how I distance myself from them. Or maybe I'm just being a bitch.

Whatever. It doesn't alter the alignment of the planets or turn the moon to green cheese, or throw the earth off its axis, so whatever.

I can see I'm starting to babble, so I'll get on with my day. Over and out...
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Wednesday, August 27th 2014

4:39 AM

New Day, New Beginning

  • Feeling: in recovery
  • Current Weather: Mainly clear. 14C. Forecast: Mix of sun and cloud. Becoming cloudy this afternoon with a 30% of thundershowers this afternoon. High 27C

The morning is dawning warm and muggy. There is a blessed silence on both the ground and in the air right now that fills my heart with gratitude. We live in a relatively quiet neighborhood, but the price we pay for that is living between two flight paths, and when the planes start coming in and taking off, the sound can be near to deafening. So, the few hours of silence in the deep middle of the night are a welcome relief and a huge blessing to be enjoyed to its fullest.

All previous postings on this blog have been removed. The last post has been in place for a week, with no allowance for comments. I have been in a very bad depression; when the previous post was published, my state of mind was such that I was preparing to leave life, believing that I had no right to be in it. Thanks to the precious few people in my life who truly know me and love me just the way I am, I am still here... and I am slowly but steadily recovering.

I am not afraid of death - in fact, I have reached out for its cold embrace more than once in my life. But it is not my time, yet, to dance in its arms. I have too much to do before I can take that rest.

So, here I am. Like me, love me, hate me if it makes you feel good. But from this point forward, people have only two options with me: accept me as I am, or leave me alone. Because, I am done. I will never again allow anyone to make me feel about myself the way I have felt this past week.

We are given a certain amount of time to experience what it is to be human. We are given countless opportunities to create peace and harmony within ourselves so that we can effect positive change in the world at large. Some are blessed with fame and fortune, which creates the perception that they are making a much bigger difference in the world. But in my opinion, the greatest, most impacting change comes from those who are not rich or famous. It comes from those who truly realize and understand that change must come from within, first, before it can manifest outwardly.

A wonderful and inspiring example of this comes from my adopted brother Shawno. His life has been challenging, to say the very least, and yet, he is one of the most honest, most loving, most compassionate people I have ever had the privilege to know. Somehow, he always manages to find a way to turn even the darkest of hours into bright beacons of light that inspire and uplift everyone he meets, talks to, and interacts with either online or in real life. People don't always appreciate his perspectives or his insights into human behaviors, but he doesn't let that stop him from being himself, nor does he allow anyone to try to make him be someone he's not just so they can feel better about themselves.

Shawno's life is a genuine inspiration not just to me, but to many. In many ways, he is a true hero in my eyes, because he has faced and overcome tremendous adversities in his life. He has fought his personal demons, and he has won. He has taken whatever unpleasant or outright heartbreaking lessons life has given him, and he has turned them into tools for finding - and living - true and lasting happiness. He gives freely and without expectation, even when he has a disagreement with someone or he suffers the emotional impact of the ending of a long friendship. He is one of a very precious few who practices this way of life even as he encourages others to live this same way. In my eyes, that takes a tremendous amount of courage, love, and determination - and that is another reason why, in my eyes, he is a hero.

I am not saying these things to stroke his ego. I am saying these things because this is genuinely how I perceive him. I don't think I've ever really shared my perceptions of people in this way, but I would like to start, and Shawno is the perfect person with which to begin this part of my life journey.

This is all I have to say for now. Life is changing, and I am choosing to go with nature instead of fighting it. Take that however you will...
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