I'm pissed off right now. Maybe I shouldn't blog when I feel this way. Maybe I'll re-think things later, after I've calmed down, and I'll decide to delete this post. Maybe.
Or maybe not. See, I know that I'm entitled to how I feel, and I also know that when I'm really pissed off - like I am right now - writing about the problem helps me calm down. Not because of the sound of the keys, but because my internal censor kicks in and lets me rant... with structure. Maybe that doesn't make sense to anyone but me.
Anyway, so Rene put a status on his Facebook page yesterday about people burning bridges that connect them to him. I saw the status and replied, "Well, I guess if people can't give time or effort to actually think about what they're doing, then they can't be all that surprised when the bridge collapses under their feet. You just keep on keepin' on my friend. It's their problem, not yours."
Not long after that, I realized that I hadn't confirmed with him that he and his roommate, Beth, would be joining us for our annual Yule feast on New Year's Eve. So, I went to his page and asked him about it. He said he wasn't sure, and asked me about the day. I told him it was New Year's Eve, which is a Tuesday. I never heard back from him.
WELL... I happened to see this comment from him. It was a response to something someone else had written expressing their perspective that I'd written them off, too:
"holly has riten me off as well I think I know why but that's not confurmed miss my freind roger but he has to live with her so he does not contact me eather oh well life moves on..."
I'm too angry and too hurt right now to talk to Rene directly about this. Doesn't he realize that making that kind of statement has put Roger into a position where he feels like he has to choose between his wife and his friend? That is so unfair to Roger - and it is NOT being a friend.
For 18 years, I have told Roger over and over again to go and spend time with his friends and family. For 18 years, I've told him over and over again that he has to keep those lines of communication open; that his friends and family should never, ever take a back seat to his marriage to me. For 18 years, I've told him over and over again that just because we are together, that doesn't give him any kind of justifiable excuse to neglect or otherwise abandon his friends and family.
Here's what I don't get about this. Yesterday, I clearly said "my friend" when responding to Rene's status about people burning bridges with him. Yesterday, I asked Rene if he and Beth were coming to our annual Yule dinner, as they have every year for the past several years. Today, he says I've written him off, and that Roger has to live with me? WHAT. THE. FUCK? Does Rene ever call us? No. Does he come for coffee anymore when he's finished with his clients in our area? No. Did he come to me directly and say, "Hey, I haven't heard from you in awhile. Are we okay? Are you guys okay? NO HE DID NOT. Instead, he made these statements - and in the process, he put his friend into a very unfair position.
Rene talks all the time about how everyone has their own perspectives and about how everyone makes choices. Well, here's my perspective - and my choice:
My perspective is this: I don't live on Facebook. In fact, aside from trying to at least keep the WPI Facebook page reasonably current, I haven't been on Facebook for some time. I personally have been very busy, and Roger and I together have been trying to deal with serious, real-life issues that neither one of us are going to discuss on any public format - including here on this blog. My perspective is that if Rene had taken ten seconds out of his day to fire off an email or pick up the phone or come by for a coffee and ask me if we were okay, he would have learned those things. My perspective is that just because I don't spend as much time on Facebook anywhere near as much as other people might, and just because I don't fire off an email or make a phone call or drop by for a visit, that does not mean I'm writing people off, and it for damn sure doesn't mean that Roger is writing people off.
And I guess that's really what I'm pissed off about. People sling mud at me all the time. I really don't care that they do that. But now the mud is being thrown at Roger, and that is absolutely not okay with me. He doesn't deserve that - especially from his friend of more than 30 years. And that's exactly how I see what Rene has said. I see his words as mud being thrown at my husband.
I've only been with Roger for 18 years, but even I know he's not the kind of person to pick up the phone and call his friends or family just to chat. If anything, I've had to nag at him to spend more time with them, because he tends to be too much of a home-body, and his relationships with his friends and family suffer because of that. I've lost count of the number of times I've tried to get him to go visit his friends and family. I've even told him that if he wants to go out and have a few beers with them, I'll drive him to wherever they are, and I'll pick him up when he's ready to come home, so he's not drinking and driving. But I'm the bad person? I've had this conversation with Rene more than once; was he just not listening? Or was he listening, but choosing not to accept that Roger decides what Roger wants to do - or not do?
I have more to say about this. But I'm going to stop here, because I'm tired, and because I'm fed up with people jumping to conclusions and making assumptions without taking ten seconds to consider the possibility that there might just be more going on than what they're seeing. Goodnight.