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Thursday, October 30th 2014

8:38 PM

Silent Letter

You shouted at me to blog about what's happening, so I have been. But I have some things to say, and since you won't talk with me like a mature adult - and since I refuse to engage in the childish behavior you're presenting on Facebook with your postings - I am writing this letter to you here because I know you are reading this blog.

What happened to you in the past few days? In just 48 hours, I have watched you change from the loving, caring, and compassionate person I know and love to a mean-spirited, hurtful, spiteful person who would rather yell at me and call me names than communicate with me in a calm, mature, adult manner.

The sadness I feel at watching you walk down a road we promised each other we would never walk again is beyond words. To see you giving up on the goals you were finally setting for yourself - and reaching for - when you first moved in nearly two years ago is heartbreaking. You worked so hard to get where you were, and now, it's as if you've thrown it all away - and for what? Are you truly happy with the choices you're making right now?

I have loved you since I first knew of your existence, and I will love you long after my time in this life is finished. But I know from experience that anger is a powerful emotion that can rule one to a degree where one becomes blind and deaf to actual reality. I also know from experience that until something happens to change whatever situation has created that anger, one's perceptions and behavior do not change. So, knowing these things as I do, and seeing you in such a high state of anger, I worry that you will not see what you're creating with that anger until it's too late to do anything to change it.

There is a reason for everything under the sun, my daughter. There are no accidents in the universe; everything happens exactly the way it's supposed to. The methods are not always pleasant, but the universe knows they are the best ones for teaching us whatever we need to learn so that we can become better human beings.

And that is why it's hard for me to tell you that I cannot and I will not engage in this current negativity you seem to have chosen to offer me. It hurts us both far too much, and I love you far too much to give back to you what you are choosing to give to me.

Perhaps, some day, we can talk about why this situation happened yet again. Perhaps, some day, we can communicate with each other in a calm, mature, adult way and find some kind of resolution that will be strong enough to keep us communicating with each other in spite of the challenges that life may present to us. Unless or until that day comes, however, I guess all we will have is silence.

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Wednesday, October 29th 2014

2:10 AM

Violent Violet

2:10am - Sleep eludes me on this cold, frosty night. I reach out my hands for it, it comes close to me, and then it dances away, leaving me exhausted and frustrated. I guess I have more on my mind than I thought I did.

Karis and I had words earlier. It was... unpleasant. I won't go into what happened. There's no point.

Moving on, Violet is now 6 weeks old and she's growing like a weed. She's climbing up and down furniture like a pro, now, and she's getting much better at running on the carpet without tripping over her own feet or getting her nails caught. She and Glimmer play together quite a lot, and Glimmer is teaching her what she will and will not tolerate from Violet. Violet can be quite mean to Glimmer. Her little ears go flat against her head, and she bites and claws at Glimmer's face with the full intent of causing harm. Glimmer goes out of her way to be gentle with the kitten when they play, but the attacks on Glimmer are escalating, so I've had to step in and put a stop to them. Violet doesn't like it when I correct her - she claws and bites me when I pick her up and take her away from Glimmer - but oh, well. She's going to learn that if she wants to be with Glimmer - not to mention, the rest of us - she has to be nice. The only one of us she doesn't attack is Roger, so there's no issue there.

3:23am - Sleep is not going to come to me tonight. I may as well put the coffee on, and then find something to do that won't wake the entire house.
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Friday, October 24th 2014

10:17 AM

Violet Glimmer

Playing with Glimmer just now, the realization occurred to me that she is working very hard to adjust to and accept the changes that Violet's presence in our home and lives have presented. Where she was accustomed to playing when she wanted to play, she now has to share time with the kitten; this has been quite a challenge for her... and she's been doing remarkably well with it. But then, somehow, I knew she would. Because she's one of the most incredible, amazing dogs I've ever known.

While Roger is feeling much better now that he has Violet, Glimmer and I are still struggling to cope with Charlie's absence. She is getting better every day, though, thanks to Violet, and that makes me happy. They are bonding and becoming good friends; Glimmer's mothering instincts are coming out more and more every day, and Violet's tendencies to get under the feet without anyone realizing she's there has actually served to get Glimmer to stop jumping on people when they come in the door. She still gets super-excited when people come in, but instead of jumping them, she circles around in front of them, wagging her tail really hard and putting her body in a position where her entire back and head can be petted. But, when all is calm and she's not playing or looking after Violet, Glimmer's eyes and body language leave no doubt that she is still mourning.

As for me, it's been ten days, now, and I still have not bonded with Violet - not even a little bit. I've finally accepted her, and I do spend a good deal of time with her, playing with her and attending to her needs. But she doesn't seem to be interested in bonding with me... and truthfully, I'm okay with that. I think maybe I'm just not at a point, yet, where I'm able to be more open to connection. Glimmer and I are bonded, and Violet's presence has actually served to strengthen that bond. But opening up to someone new... I don't think I'm ready for that. Maybe that's why Violet and I haven't bonded...

On the other side of that coin, though, Violet was sent to Roger and Glimmer - and the bonding process between the three of them is growing and strengthening every day - not to me. I knew that when we went to meet her, and I accepted that. In fact, truth be told, I was totally okay with that, and I still am. It's just hard, sometimes, to watch the three of them being close and affectionate with each other, because it amplifies and intensifies the already deep sense of loneliness, emptiness, and incompleteness I'm struggling to overcome.

Anyway... Maybe it's just a matter of time. Maybe...
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