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Thursday, August 28th 2014

8:13 AM

Distant Smiles

  • Feeling: observant
  • Current Weather: Mostly cloudy. 12C. Forecast: Showers beginning this morning. Cloudy throughout the day. High 16C

The house is quiet.  The girls have gone to school, and I'm enjoying the unexpected but welcome calm and peace flowing through my house. I can hear the wrens and sparrows chattering away to each other about who knows what. I am grateful for this moment.

Roger is off work for this week due to severe dizziness. Yesterday was a day spent seeing doctors about it, running errands, and interviewing potential team candidates. I am still not feeling 100% myself, but Roger can't drive, so I drank coffee and water until they were coming out of my ears. I was very grateful to finally crawl into my bed last night...

I've been thinking about how life has been for the past couple of weeks. It's astonishing how many people seem to be really combative, lately. Even the slightest blink seems to be like stepping on a live mine; the explosions of anger coming from people, lately, are that sudden and that intense. It's weird.

Yesterday, while I was checking in on Facebook, I noticed there were some instances in which some people had left comments on something, and my replies to them were rather abrupt. Normally, when I respond to people, I try to include at least a smiley emoticon, so no one misunderstands me. Misunderstandings are very easy to create when you don't have facial expressions or tones of voice to help you gauge whether or not someone is being rude, sarcastic, genuine, or whatever. Yesterday, I noticed that in some replies, all I offered was words.

Guilt arose in me at the discovery... and just as quickly as it arose, it was put down. I had no reason to feel guilty; I hadn't been rude or anything. Besides, the world wasn't going to come to an end just because I didn't add an emoticon. Geez.

In light of some of the things that have happened over the past week, I do find myself wondering if the way I'm responding is some kind of defense mechanism. I know that I do tend to be distant and seemingly unemotional with the people around me when I am hurting emotionally and I'm trying to deal with that hurt. Maybe that tendency has somehow evolved to include my online time. Maybe not using emoticons when I'm talking online with people is how I distance myself from them. Or maybe I'm just being a bitch.

Whatever. It doesn't alter the alignment of the planets or turn the moon to green cheese, or throw the earth off its axis, so whatever.

I can see I'm starting to babble, so I'll get on with my day. Over and out...
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Wednesday, August 27th 2014

4:39 AM

New Day, New Beginning

  • Feeling: in recovery
  • Current Weather: Mainly clear. 14C. Forecast: Mix of sun and cloud. Becoming cloudy this afternoon with a 30% of thundershowers this afternoon. High 27C

The morning is dawning warm and muggy. There is a blessed silence on both the ground and in the air right now that fills my heart with gratitude. We live in a relatively quiet neighborhood, but the price we pay for that is living between two flight paths, and when the planes start coming in and taking off, the sound can be near to deafening. So, the few hours of silence in the deep middle of the night are a welcome relief and a huge blessing to be enjoyed to its fullest.

All previous postings on this blog have been removed. The last post has been in place for a week, with no allowance for comments. I have been in a very bad depression; when the previous post was published, my state of mind was such that I was preparing to leave life, believing that I had no right to be in it. Thanks to the precious few people in my life who truly know me and love me just the way I am, I am still here... and I am slowly but steadily recovering.

I am not afraid of death - in fact, I have reached out for its cold embrace more than once in my life. But it is not my time, yet, to dance in its arms. I have too much to do before I can take that rest.

So, here I am. Like me, love me, hate me if it makes you feel good. But from this point forward, people have only two options with me: accept me as I am, or leave me alone. Because, I am done. I will never again allow anyone to make me feel about myself the way I have felt this past week.

We are given a certain amount of time to experience what it is to be human. We are given countless opportunities to create peace and harmony within ourselves so that we can effect positive change in the world at large. Some are blessed with fame and fortune, which creates the perception that they are making a much bigger difference in the world. But in my opinion, the greatest, most impacting change comes from those who are not rich or famous. It comes from those who truly realize and understand that change must come from within, first, before it can manifest outwardly.

A wonderful and inspiring example of this comes from my adopted brother Shawno. His life has been challenging, to say the very least, and yet, he is one of the most honest, most loving, most compassionate people I have ever had the privilege to know. Somehow, he always manages to find a way to turn even the darkest of hours into bright beacons of light that inspire and uplift everyone he meets, talks to, and interacts with either online or in real life. People don't always appreciate his perspectives or his insights into human behaviors, but he doesn't let that stop him from being himself, nor does he allow anyone to try to make him be someone he's not just so they can feel better about themselves.

Shawno's life is a genuine inspiration not just to me, but to many. In many ways, he is a true hero in my eyes, because he has faced and overcome tremendous adversities in his life. He has fought his personal demons, and he has won. He has taken whatever unpleasant or outright heartbreaking lessons life has given him, and he has turned them into tools for finding - and living - true and lasting happiness. He gives freely and without expectation, even when he has a disagreement with someone or he suffers the emotional impact of the ending of a long friendship. He is one of a very precious few who practices this way of life even as he encourages others to live this same way. In my eyes, that takes a tremendous amount of courage, love, and determination - and that is another reason why, in my eyes, he is a hero.

I am not saying these things to stroke his ego. I am saying these things because this is genuinely how I perceive him. I don't think I've ever really shared my perceptions of people in this way, but I would like to start, and Shawno is the perfect person with which to begin this part of my life journey.

This is all I have to say for now. Life is changing, and I am choosing to go with nature instead of fighting it. Take that however you will...
0 /

Thursday, August 21st 2014

12:01 AM

Goodnight

Words to me from someone who chose to become part of my past are coming at me from the mouths of others, lately. The words and the way they are phrased is so eerily similar to the way that person said them that it's as if I'm hearing them right from that person all over again. All day, I have struggled with this, trying to understand why this is happening to me again. Trying to figure out where I keep going wrong... and finally coming to understand that the reason is very simple: I am not, nor will I ever be, acceptable as I am.

When people are having a rough time, encouragement and support is what I've offered. At least, that's what I thought I was giving. Apparently, I have been doing the opposite. Instead of helping by offering support and encouragement, I have only been hurting people. Not only that, but I'm told I do this quite often. Oh, the people coming at with me that former friend's words are telling me that I don't do it intentionally - and apparently, I also don't know I'm doing it - but I do it, and they don't like it.

I have been struggling with this all day, while at the same time, trying to cope with a very bad dizzy spell. All I can think is that since all I ever seem to do is hurt the people I love and care about, then I have no business being here. I cannot change who I am - I have tried and tried and tried. But I also cannot continue to put people at risk of being hurt by me, either.

I recognize and I accept that I have failed - on so many levels. I own that, and I accept that.

So, to everyone who has come and gone in my life, and to everyone who tried to stand by me no matter what, I offer a sincere apology to you for every unhappy moment you have had while you were in my life. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I failed to see that you were in need of far more than I was giving you. I'm sorry I was not the person you expected me to be. I'm sorry I was not a good anything to or for you. All I ever wanted for you was for you to have the greatest happiness, the deepest love, and the greatest blessings the universe could give you, and I failed to show you that. I failed you in so many ways, for so very long.
There is nothing more to say. The time for words is done. Goodnight, sweet Princes and Princesses...
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