Before I begin, I have to say this post is going to be longer than usual.  I have a lot to say about what's been going on with me, and it's important that I speak about it. I hope that whoever reads this will bear with me...

The past few weeks have been very emotionally rough on me. This past week, in particular, has been extremely bad.  I have had dangerous negative thoughts going through my head almost non-stop, and it's been all I could do to stop myself from acting on them.

Those thoughts?  Believing I am unwanted, unlovable and worthless. Believing I serve no positive purpose in this life, and thus, have no reason to remain in the realm of the living.  Ending my life.

I have been unable to fight back. In the worst of the darkness, my will to fight was eaten away; I had no strength to even care about anything. Something had taken hold of me and would not allow me peace. Even my cat Charlie has been acting very strange, recently, refusing to enter our bathroom. You may have read about that at the WPI blog.

Anyway, the thoughts of suicide going through my head increased slowly over the past few weeks.  They started out as almost invisible blips on my mental radar, but gradually - and without my awareness - they increased until they reached a point where suddenly, I was in a state of such total and complete darkness that I couldn't even find the strength or the will to care. I was totally convinced that my life has no value to anyone and that I have been a complete and utter failure at everything, including living.

I begged for the cold embrace of death, then. I was denied. I screamed at the universe, "If there really are such things as angels, then PROVE IT!"... and the universe responded.  Only moments later, I received a message from my dear and beloved friend, Lady Wolfen Mists.

Lady Wolfen Mists did not pull her punches.  At first, thoughts went through my head that she was purposely hurting me, and the anger was so intense I could hardly see straight.  In truth, it was all so intense that I couldn't even get my fingers to work to reply to her.

The sensation went through me that this reaction, as well as those thoughts, didn't belong to me. But, no sooner did I feel this, then an anger so red and hot went through me that I couldn't focus. I could only feel rage. I realize, now, that this was the doing of whatever had attached itself to me, but at the time, it was all I could do not to call her and yell at her for being so mean to me.

Anyone who knows Lady Wolfen Mists knows that she is a force to be reckoned with, especially when she goes into battle. She has waged war on dark entities many times over the course of her life, and she has done this with the help of Michael the Archangel.  She is of the Light, and this is how she serves.

And without telling me of her intent, she went into battle for me.

Today, Lady Wolfen Mists told me what she did for me. She also told me about the dark entity that has been feeding off of me for the past few weeks. All I can say about it is that if this has been directed to me by someone, then unverse help them, because they will receive threefold the emotional hell I have been locked in these past few weeks.

I know that I am a high-maintenance friend.  I don't mean to be, and I honestly don't know why I make it so hard for people to be my friend.  But those who have managed to stick with me in spite of myself, those who have found the courage to be honest with me and tell me when I'm being a jerk - and to do this from a place of genuine love... Those are the people I treasure and need in my life.

Sometimes I do need a cheering section - it's true.  Hell, everyone needs a cheering section, sometimes.  But on the whole, I think maybe what I need more often than not is for the people who genuinely love and care about me to tell me I've got my head up my ass again and I need to pull it out and smell the fresh air.  Lady Wolfen Mists told me point-blank that I have to stop trying to make people like me and just start being me.  In all honesty, I didn't feel like she was being fair or kind, because I didn't see that maybe that's exactly what I've been doing.

Then, I started thinking about it, and I realized that my friend Teri has told me exactly the same thing - on more than one occasion.  So has my friend Twyla, so has my friend Lynne, and, in his own unique way, so has my friend Norm. I guess there has to be something to what they're saying, otherwise, they would not say these things to me.

So, I want to try. I want to fight back. I want to live. I want to be happy. I want to be ME. I'm sure I will probably lose friends in this process, because I'm NOT an easy person to be friends with. But I am willing to try. It's not much, I know, but right now, it's all I've got to give.  I only hope it will be enough...