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Friday, February 27th 2015

8:17 AM

Pushing Through

  • Current Weather: -10C. Wind chill: -16C. Forecast: Light snow beginning this morning. Cloudy. High -7C.
Today is going to be busy. I'm moving some small pieces of furniture to the rec. area in my basement. It's going to be labor-intensive, and I'm going to be sore as hell when I'm done, but keeping myself busy is the only way for me to fight the compulsion to binge. I've had a pretty rough go of it since the last post; it seems that every time I turn around, I'm eating. I don't want the food - I'm not hungry at all - but the compulsion is so strong that I feel completely helpless to stop myself from giving in to it.

I think part of the reason I'm having so much trouble is because I'm feeling overwhelmed. Intellectually, I realize that renovating the basement has to be done in small steps. But there's another part of me - the part that's triggering the compulsion to binge-eat - that says it has to be done all at once. Not only that, this other part demands that it gets done almost literally at the snap of my fingers. This is completely unrealistic, but this other part of me doesn't accept that. Instead, it demands instant results, results that are humanly impossible to achieve. The stress this is creating for me is so overwhelming that I can't cope.

How do I fight it? I know where the perception of instant gratification comes from - I was raised with it - but how do I fight it? I won't be punished when I fail to meet those impossible demands, and I know that, but I still fear retribution for having failed. Why? Why won't this other part of me reconcile with my intellectual understanding? It's not logical to expect to snap my fingers and have a finished basement. It's not logical to expect my entire basement to be finished in one day - or, for that matter, to be finished in even a few weeks. Why won't this other part of me accept that?

I've waited 17 years to have a finished basement. That, in itself, has been incredibly stressful for me. This pressure I feel from this other part of me - a part which I can't seem to identify - stresses me out even more with its demand to get it done "yesterday".

No matter what has gone in my life, one thing I've always been able to do is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Somehow, I plod stoically along, pushing at whatever is trying to block my path for as long as it takes until I finally get past it. Sometimes, I can push through fairly quickly; other times, it takes years to break through. In this case, most of my life has been spent trying to push through these barriers, and I'm getting really tired of it. If I don't get through soon, I don't know what I'm going to do.

On that note, I need to get busy. Have a great day...
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Monday, February 23rd 2015

5:51 AM

One Day At A Time

It's been a crazy-busy weekend. I'm still trying to recover from it. But it's a price I pay happily, because it was the best weekend I've had in a very long time.  And best of all, I've hardly binged at all since the last posting; whatever was driving me before has either been pushed far back in my psyche, or it was resolved.

At this time, I need to recognize a few people. Shawno, thank you for your encouragement, support, and understanding. I think you may be right about the past year being so intense and stressful. The prices have definitely been high - no question about it. I'm sure you're right that when things settle down, the stress will ease off, too. Here's hoping, right?

Sweet Angel, thank you so very much, my friend. You are never far from my thoughts, either. I want you to know that when your surgery date comes, I'll be there with you in thought and in spirit, doing my best to help you. Always.

Nina, you "get" me so well that it's like you're my brain and you speak directly rather than bothering with the whole process of transmitting through my clumsy fingers or confused and tangled tongue what I'm trying to say. Thank you so much for that, my friend, and thank you so much for being part of my life.

Understanding what my triggers are so that I can find more appropriate ways to deal with them is critical to overcoming, once and for all, this awful eating disorder. On rare occasions, I've been able to identify a trigger, but most of the time, I've just been at a loss. I can't figure out the pattern. I know there's a pattern because I can feel it; the problem is that I can't seem to get a handle on it so that I can examine it and try to fix it.

One day at a time - and sometimes, one minute at a time - is how I currently try to manage my life. For now, that seems to work better than anything else I've tried to do. It's not enough, but for right now, it's all I have; I just don't see any other options.
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Saturday, February 14th 2015

10:35 AM

To Hope... Or Not

Since the last posting here, I'm ashamed to admit that I've been binging almost constantly.  My stress levels have been through the roof, and my emotions have been intense beyond my ability to cope. So much has been happening - seemingly, all at once - that I've barely known my own name, never mind having any time to focus on my reactions to it all and remind myself that food is not the way to deal with any of it.

I hate myself for being weak and succumbing to the compulsion to self-medicate. I hate that I let it happen, knowing even as I was doing it that it was the wrong thing to do. I'm frustrated that I didn't take myself in hand, give myself a good shaking, and remind myself that food was not the way to deal with emotional distress. I'm disgusted that once again, I let something that was and is within my control take control of me.

Why did it happen? Why didn't I fight harder to stop it from happening? How could I be so stupid? I know better than to use food as a coping mechanism, so why did I let it happen? I've been through far worse things than what I've been through lately, and I was able to fight and overcome the compulsion. Why did I fail this time?

I don't understand. I'm angry with myself about it, I'm disgusted with myself, I'm frustrated with myself... And I don't understand why I let it happen, knowing full well that I was going to end up feeling as I do now. Even now, I want to self-medicate. What the hell is wrong with me?!

I can't talk here about the things I've been stressed about. Suffice it to say there have been a lot of changes in a very short amount of time, and life is now moving in a direction vastly different than I anticipated. That's where the stress is coming from. But it isn't so bad that I couldn't fight the compulsion to binge, so why couldn't I fight it? What happened that pushed me over the edge?

I don't know what to do from here. I suppose I can hope that it won't happen again, but at this point in time, I don't know if that's even possible. This was a really bad binge...

The neighborhood dogs are barking their faces off. I have work to do. Maybe in the process of working, my head will clear and I'll gain some insight into this event. Here's hoping, right?
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