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Friday, July 25th 2014

8:28 AM

Home to Stay

  • Feeling: migraine, fibro flare, but happy happy happy
  • Current Weather: Mostly cloudy. 14C. Forecast: Cloudy. Rain beginning this morning. High 18C

The morning has come chilly, overcast, and breezy. But that's okay, because today marks the beginning of a new chapter in all our lives: Diesel - the pit bull Karis and Paul rescued last year, before moving in with us - is here to stay. It was Roger's decision, and it took all of us by surprise, including me.

Diesel has been fostered for the past year by Paul's friend Luke, who has four dogs and several cats. He agreed to foster Diesel until Karis and Paul were able to get on their feet and get into a new place. Well, it's taken this entire past year for Paul to find - and hold - a good, steady job (which he has finally managed to achieve), but finding a place of their own is proving to be a real challenge. But, they have goals, and they're working towards them, and Roger is doing what he can to support and encourage them.

Diesel has come to live with us because although he was not abused in any way at Luke's home, the environment itself is very, very unclean. Diesel was supposed to be neutered yesterday, so we picked him up Wednesday night to make transporting him to the clinic much easier. When we stepped inside Luke's home, both Karis and I nearly gagged from the stench. I told Roger I was concerned that Diesel might get a post-surgical infection, and he said it sounded to him like he should have more than a couple of days of recovery time at our house. I agreed with him. Then, before I knew what was happening, Roger started asking me questions about how Charlie and Glimmer have been coping with Diesel's presence. I thought he was asking because Diesel would be staying with us a little longer to make sure he was completely healed. I had no clue that Roger was thinking about adding the dog to our family. That never even crossed my mind - because, for one thing, Roger is nervous around big dogs, and for another thing, he's really nervous around pit bulls.

When he told me that he was making the decision to have Diesel live with us permanently, I lost it. I started crying, and all I could say was, "Really? You're not going to take it back? Really? Really?" He just chuckled while I cried on him and said, "No, I'm not going to take it back. He's been through enough; he deserves to be with a family who will give him what he needs, and we're it." I must have cried on him for a good five minutes. The worry I'd been feeling was lifted off of me, and the relief of that was overwhelming. I've been attached to that dog since the first time I laid eyes on him...

More importantly, though, Karis and Paul were both overjoyed beyond words - and very close to tears - when Roger told them his decision. They actually hugged Roger and thanked him. Paul handed Roger a beer, and when Roger took it, Paul grabbed him and hugged him and just kept thanking him over and over while trying not to cry. He and Karis love Diesel so much, and they've missed him so much...

In the time Luke has been fostering Diesel, Karis and Paul have been giving Luke money every month to show their appreciation to him for taking the dog in. On top of that, they've also been providing for Diesel's needs. When I first wrote about this issue, I didn't know that they'd been doing that. They are also working on finding out whether or not Diesel's jaw and legs can be fixed, as they were all broken by Diesel's original owners.  Diesel endured a horrific life before Karis and Paul rescued him...

It's been a very long, hard haul for Karis and Paul - longer and harder than I realized. But things have changed dramatically in the past few months, and honestly, I am very, very proud of Paul for continuing to push through all the obstacles and challenges he's had to deal with - including the ongoing ass-riding both Roger and I have given him. He has been constantly measured... and now, he has proven himself to be a man. He has taken on a ready-made family and is working hard to provide for them. He has goals he is working hard to achieve. He cares - he cares about his family, he cares about us, he cares about himself in a more unselfish way than he did before... And he is proving that every day. How could I not be proud of him?

Diesel gets along really well with both Charlie and Glimmer. He is respectful of their space, he doesn't force himself on either one of them, he submits completely to Charlie, and he accepts that Charlie is the true pack leader in this house. He somehow understands that Glimmer is unsure about him, and instead of getting aggressive with her because of her weakness (dogs will always attack weakness in other dogs), he shows her incredible compassion by letting her come to him. When she does, he becomes very still for her until she finishes taking his measure and walks away from him. Then, and only then, will he move - and if she's still close, he moves slowly so he doesn't scare her. He is truly an amazing dog, and an incredible gift to all of us.

I could write about him all day, but I won't. The point is that Diesel is home, and none of our lives will ever be the same...
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Tuesday, July 22nd 2014

8:01 AM

Unfinished Business

  • Feeling: sore but accomplished
  • Current Weather: Partly cloudy. 12C. Forecast: Mix of sun and cloud. Becoming mostly cloudy near noon. High 22C

I tried posting yesterday, but life had other plans...

Yesterday was about taking care of unfinished business. In this case, that was Roger's Sanctuary room. It had to serve as a temporary storage area for Yule decorations and gifts, last year, and I promised Roger that as soon as the holiday was over, I would get everything cleared away. Well, in the time between then and yesterday, life happened, and I didn't get the job done. As a result, in the eight months that it's been waiting to be dealt with, the room has gathered even more stuff - a lot of it being what almost everyone I know would refer to as "junk".

At around 10am yesterday morning, I started the clean-up, sorting and combining things, piling things for the garbage, and piling things for recycling. The job was completed just before 2pm, when the vacuum was put away.

Roger was ecstatic when he saw his room. His joy made the job worth every inch of stiffness and pain my body was coping with. I was genuinely happy to see him so happy, and I apologized to him for having made him wait so long to have his room back. Roger was so happy, he didn't even ask me what I'd done with all the extra "stuff" that had been put in there. He also didn't bother checking the garbage or the recycling bin to see what I'd gotten rid of. He usually checks - and he ends up bringing some things back in the house, because, in his words, "I might need them." He didn't do any of that, though, and that made me feel really good, too.

Today, the process of taking care of unfinished business continues, with my office being my target. There are things I promised myself I would put up when the room was finished, as they signaled true completion of the renovation, but they have been sitting in storage while I've waited for shelving Roger promised to build. I'm still waiting, of course, but in the meantime, I might as well get those final items out of storage.

That said, the first thing I have to do is get my space cleaned up - again. It's become a bit of a storage room, too, and I don't like that. It makes me feel irritable and overwhelmed. It feels to me like it's too chaotic, and I have trouble focusing and thinking straight under that kind of condition. So, I want to at least get the space cleaned up. Once that's done, I'll be able to focus again, and I can figure out from there where to put the completion items, and what to do about shelving, which I desperately need.

Thank you to those who visit here and comment. I appreciate it very much. I hope you have a great day...
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Sunday, July 20th 2014

9:52 AM


  • Feeling: dealing with a migraine, but feeling relieved
  • Current Weather: Mix of sun and cloud. 14C. Forecast: 60% chance of showers. Risk of a thunderstorm this afternoon. High 19C

Since Friday, my mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts, questions, ideas, introspections, and more, as I've struggled to process what my doctor dropped on me. I've been sorting through old things - memories, ideas, beliefs, thoughts, pictures, objects, etc. - and slowly determining what is worth holding onto, and what needs to be forever released. Taking ownership of what is honestly mine, and letting go of what is not mine. Looking at and accepting what truly is, and releasing what has only been illusion. It is a difficult task, and not without emotional upheaval. But I am determined to do it. Too much of my life has passed trying to live as and be someone other than me. I am now paying the price for that.

Today, I am letting go of a burden I have been unable to release for the past three years. I've tried, and sometimes, I've managed to at least get a rest from its weight. But it always ends up on my back again, and I think it's because I wasn't truly ready to let it go. Today, I am ready. Today, I want to release it... and never again take it back.

Teri, I forgive you of the things you have said and done over the past three years that have hurt me.  Hurt causes people to lash out at those closest to them, and I own that I said and did things in anger that contributed to the choices you made.

I miss you. I won't deny that. Sometimes, I miss you so much that I can't help but cry. I feel it most keenly when I'm out chasing a storm and I find myself driving in your direction.

I am genuinely grateful to you for everything you gave to me, did for me, and taught me in our ten years together, and I hope I can share with others the good things I learned from you. For example, you taught me how to laugh, and I never laughed so much in my life as I did with you. Another example is that you taught me to not take everything so seriously all the time, and I stopped sweating the small stuff - which reduced my stress levels. I am deeply grateful to you for these gifts, Teri, even though you may not believe it.

Our time is over, and I am deeply saddened by that truth. But I will remember our good years together with great fondness - and yes, even tears, sometimes. I do wish you genuine love and happiness as you move through the rest of your life, and I hope you will come to realize that your life does have value and that the good you give to others does have meaning.

Now, with genuine love, compassion, and honesty in my heart, I release you. Goodbye, old friend. May your path be more gentle and may the wind stay always at your back...
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