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Tuesday, September 16th 2014

6:50 AM

Relating to Sheldon

  • Feeling: nothing at all
  • Current Weather: Clear. 7C. Forecast: Sunny. High 25C

The night has been too long. Restlessness pokes at me with hot fingers, making me sweat and toss about in a futile effort to find a comfortable position and thus, fall asleep.  This is the second night in a row that I have not slept.

I've been thinking about a lot of things, lately - big things, little things, life things. I had a huge epiphany, recently, and what fascinates me about it is that despite its enormity, it didn't have the impact behind it that I thought it would have.

The epiphany was that when people I know and love are suffering in some way, I truly do sympathize and empathize with them, but at the same time, I tend to become emotionally dissociated. It's like something shuts off in my brain and leaves me numb. The result is that people tell me I'm emotionally untouchable, that I don't understand them at all, and so on.

Now, here's my question: Why doesn't this realization upset me? Most people would be horrified to realize that they were coming across to people as being this way. Why doesn't it horrify me? What is wrong with me that I dissociate like I do when people I know and love are hurting in some way?

There are some situations where I have not dissociated. But for the most part... I don't know... It's like I get pushed out of myself, somehow, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't feel a damned thing. How is it possible to sympathize or empathize with someone's suffering, and still be so detached at the same time?

Here's where it really confuses me. I cannot be a nurse, doctor, vet, or any other kind of medical person, because seeing physical injuries is seeing suffering in a way that I can't deal with on an emotional level. The idea that a human or animal could be so badly hurt is just too overwhelming. It's like a massive sensory overload occurs that literally short-circuits my brain and makes me black out. But, give me a situation where someone is struggling with something that is not visible, and I can deal with it just fine. Why is that? What is wrong with me that I can't seem to be like everyone else?  If you've ever watched "The Big Bang Theory" sitcom, you'll understand me when I say I seriously do relate to Sheldon on far too many levels....

The ugly truth is that I think I've spent most of my life just going through the motions, desperately trying to feel for the emotional pain and suffering of others, and shrugging my shoulders in defeat when I've failed. The ugly truth is that I think people who see me as being "emotionally untouchable" are right. The ugly truth is that, despite realizing these things about myself, I am not horrified, or mortified, or anything. Despite realizing these things, I still can't feel a damned thing. How incredibly tragic...

I'm sure these admissions will probably cost me friendships that mean the world to me. The only thing I might have going for me now is that when I tell people I love them, I am speaking truth. Because, in spite of it all, I do know love, compassion, and caring. I do feel those things. I just don't express them the way everyone else seems to...
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Sunday, September 14th 2014

7:26 AM

'Tis the Season

  • Feeling: sick but slowly getting better
  • Current Weather: Mostly cloudy. 7C. Forecast: Mainly cloudy. Clearing this afternoon. High 17C

Unrecoverable. That's what our weather is.  Oh, they say we're getting back into the warmer temperatures we had over the few weeks of summer we had. But I don't for one second believe them. It's too late in the year, now, for any kind of summer to be salvaged. Nope. Winter came knocking, and once it gets a proverbial foot in the proverbial door, it's the house guest that won't go away. Just cuz they got some red on 'em don't mean the apples are ready for pickin'. You know?

I caught the cold Karis and Paul had. All three of us are still fighting it. Of the three of us, Karis is in the best shape. With the girls in school all day, she was able to get lots of rest, which helped immensely. Paul hasn't had that opportunity; he's up around the same time as Roger in the mornings, he puts in 12 hours or more every day, and by the time he gets home, he's got just enough energy left in him to shower, have a bite to eat, and then crash. He doesn't get much actual sleep time, so it's taking longer for him to recover. Roger hasn't caught the cold yet, and thank the universe for that. He's taken every precaution he can, and so far, so good. He has his own everything - hand towels, hair brush, etc. - and he washes his hands more often than usual. So far, all this has helped him avoid getting hit by the virus.

As for me, I'm limping along, as usual. Thank the universe for good drugs that help me fight these things. I'm sick, but hey: I'm not in the hospital. As long as I don't have to go there, I can keep believing that I'm doing just fine.

It seems a lot of people are ill, lately. Cold and flu season seems to have arrived earlier than anyone anticipated, I guess.

I have a lot of things on my mind this morning, but I can't put anything into words. I'm still not up to par, but I'm getting there - slowly, but steadily. So I'll just wish everyone a happy, healthy day, and be on my way. Take care, now...
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Wednesday, September 10th 2014

5:54 AM

Emotional Weather

  • Feeling: emotional
  • Current Weather: Light snow. 0C. Forecast: Snow at times heavy ending this afternoon then cloudy with a 40% chance of rain. Snowfall warning in effect. High 4C

Un-freakin'-believable. Really. Here we are, on the 10th of September, and we are dealing with the second consecutive day of what I am now calling "white rain." I call it that, because it's too early in the year for it to have its real name.  On Saturday, it was 25C; by Monday, it was 1C, and this stupid white stuff was falling from the sky and weighting down my apple and cedar trees.  At this moment, it is 0C, and we have a white-rain warning in effect. Can you believe it?!  No slow goodbye to summer for us, this year, I guess.

Karis and Paul have come down with really bad colds. The girls are showing signs of being next to catch it. Roger and I are loading up our bodies with homeopathic remedies and Vitamin C. Neither of us can afford to get sick - especially, Roger. Both Karis and Paul are doing their best to stay away from us, only coming upstairs to get a drink or use the bathroom. Because the girls are showing signs of catching it, they have to stay downstairs, too. It's hard on them, because, when they're home, they tend to want to spend most of their time upstairs with me and Roger. But, it is what it is.

Today is Glimmer's second birthday. I can hardly believe she's already two years old. Where has the time gone? Wasn't it just yesterday that she fit in the palm of my hand, and I had to bottle-feed her warm goat's milk? Wasn't it just yesterday that a face cloth was big enough to cover her when she went to bed? Wasn't it just yesterday that the cat carrier was huge for her, and I had to put a stuffy in it with her for comfort? And wasn't it just yesterday that she wasn't even half Charlie's size, and she could hardly keep up with him? Where has the time gone?

Wow. I'm really quite emotional about this. Why? Glimmer is a dog, not a human. If I have humanized her at all, it would be with the sweater she has for the super-cold winter days, and the shoes she has when there's slush on the ground. We can't allow her fur to get too long, because in spite of constant grooming, it mats really fast and really badly, so we have to keep her trimmed down, thus necessitating the use of the sweater. When there's slush on the ground, she gets ice balls in the pads of her feet so big they hobble her to the point where she can't walk at all, so the shoes are also a necessity.

Sigh... Two years old already...I just can't wrap my brain around that...

Roger is up, and that means the girls will be up soon, too. Time to wrap this up and get working on the remaining audio from Glimmer's field test last Friday. I hope you have a great day. And if the weather where you are is similar to ours, if you have to go out, please bundle up, and please stay safe.
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